On July 16th as I sat in my office about to start my work week, I couldn’t take it anymore. The gut feeling that something was wrong so I called my doctors office and asked for an appointment. I said I couldn’t feel baby although I was probably crazy. They asked if I could come in right away at 10am.
After waiting in the waiting room, then going into the room two nurses couldn’t really find a convincing heartbeat (it’s hard because sometimes you can hear your own that far down believe it or not). I knew we weren’t finding his … you can tell by the speed and location. Nervously one of the nurses kinda just gave up and said let’s just do a sonogram to be safe and also just easier to find out what was going on
I waited until the room opened up, went in, got the gel put on me and after one or two swipes the tech nicely told me “Katelyn, can you just wait here for two seconds?” and left the room. That’s when I knew. Clearly that wasn’t any sort of good news. I knew my baby was no longer alive. Those two seconds were really a few minutes and they were literally the longest minutes of my life. My entire future … my entire forever that I had been imagining with my new family was shattering in my head. My reality was changing as the seconds went by and into complete darkness. I had vaguely heard of this situation happening in the world but I had no idea what to expect, think or do. Finally the doctor came in. A doctor I had never met yet (but was going to meet in a few weeks as I started to make my rounds because my office was a multi-doctor practice). Thankfully, the doctor was very kind as she explained, “We unfortunately couldn’t find a heartbeat so I am sorry to let you know but your baby has passed away.”
Having a few days heads up because of my mommy intuition I was able to calmly say “oh, ok.” …. no tears. Just using my only choice for an answer. There was nothing anyone could do or say to change or go back to what was before when he was perfectly healthy and beautiful growing and kicking inside me. She told me I had to go back into the room for her to exam me and fill me in on other details. First I had to call my husband and tell him the news. He left work immediately and started to head my way.
She checked my cervix and explained I had to deliver the baby. Clearly just still in shock or unable to wrap my head around what was going on I asked if they could just take him out surgically. But she advised that was not a good idea. To have a C-section electively would be major surgery and cut into layers of my uterus and be completely unnecessary for me. I trusted her (and am so blessed) that vaginal was best. I asked when … thinking I had to start planning for this and she told me actually today. I had to go to the hospital and deliver him today.
I hadn’t even registered at the hospital yet, taken a birth class, or even knew what to expect. But yet I was his mommy and he needed to come out right away. So I had a big job to do.
The doctor told me to go home and rest a bit, eat something, and then call Denise who would set me up with instructions as Good Samaritan Hospital. After calling my mom and dad and of course my friend Tanya (who knew I was in the waiting room an hour prior) … the news started to settle in for everyone. I on the other hand felt I had a few days heads up on this reality. I knew for days something was wrong but was very scared to realize I could very well be 100% right.
We all met in the parking lot, made car arrangements and headed home to prepare for the long journey to the hospital and the birth of our son…